I am a shallow shallow girl, in this shallow shallow world…

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The other day, on my way back home, at traffic signal I saw this guy, around 13/14 years old. He was one of those 4700 street kids in Karachi, who clean windshields. And YET he was NOT one of those!

I was looking around that he caught my attention. He was sitting on the footpath, looking here and there, rolling his cleaning wiper in his hands–busy in his thoughts. His cloths were old but clean. His shoes were dusty but laces were properly tied. He unlike those street kids, didnt rush to the cars the minute they stop. He was rather sitting. And thinking. And he looked different.

I felt a tad bad. I took out some bucks and waved to get his attention. He finally saw me but didnt move. I showed him money so that he would understand. But he kept staring in the air. It was like he was deciding whether he would like to take the money or not. I tried to read his eyes. There was a battle going on. It was a battle of pride and want. It takes a lot of valiancy and nerves to be in the battlefield, it’s hard; I know. I admit. But trust me it’s not easy to be a battlespectator. It’s the most excrutiating way to realize what you lack, what you never had and what you can never be. Outside arrows hits your diginity rather than your exterior. Anyhow, it’s always interesting to see who wins.

And guess who wins here? His pride. Some one from the cars behind mine, called him out. He instantly dashed towards the car.

And I kept staring in the air. And thinking. And feeling. And realizing.

In my 26 years of hard work and endless effort to be different, I was actually shallow. Very very shallow. It’s not like that I had never admitted it earlier. But the reality would check me out so hard, that I never expected.
It just hit me that you don’t have to have a luxurious life to build a strong personality, access to information for your thought process and voguish cloths to stand out. None of it make you different. You are different when you have a mind of your own. He was different. And I felt so shallow.

In hindsight, I think I always knew that I am shallow. And that’s exactly the reason why I decide to wore a mask of all fancy adjectives, like anti-social, simple and thoughtful. But the truth is, I am not anti social. I am actually a very insecure person.

Did I just admit that? I did.

I stopped meeting my relatives because there are three kinds that are found in my family.

1. Successful.
2. Beautiful.
3. Both.
And needless to mention…well. So yeah, I am insecure about my looks and brains. And I realized that a large part of the world is comprised of the above mentioned 3 types. Rest who are like me, well I don’t know about them. But I can tell you about me. So the rest me, one day discovered a fancy word anti-social. I found fascinating. I tried to search for its family. And WHOA! Its family had even more fascinating members, like recluse, hermit, solitudinarian and what not. iLiked it. So I collected all the tools and fixed them in my system. And thought I look different. Different than what lies underneath the mask.

It was good. But not good enough. So I went on and explored something that not having it, can make me REALLY look different. Yeah! That something is something that can make you look different from what you are but not from what others are. Okay in simple English, it’s make up. I never miss a chance to say or to show that how much I loathe make up. Just to get a OH-that’s-so-rare-for-a-girl-you-are-so-simple response. And that is enough to make me feel different.

Being a typical girl, I can’t alleviate my obsession with cloths and shoes. But I understand that I can for make up. For one simple reason. I don’t know how to do it!

But if you look at it, here I actually turned my weakness into strength! How very thoughtful of me? Yeah I know. My bookshelf is full of all those thoughtful philosophers who inked pages and pages and pages and pages and didn’t care about the effects of it on the enviroment. Yeah. I READ PHILOSOPHY. Political, ethical, logic and aesthetics. Have you ever met anyone who likes to read? Yes. Have you ever met anyone who reads fiction? Yes. Have you ever met anyone who reads non fiction? Yes. Have you ever met anyone who reads philosophy? Umm, hardly. YAY.

So, that’s what I read. Alongwith all the other regular types that I mention in low tone and all the trashy feel-good novels which are hidden in the lowest portion of my closet. Because I am too thoughtful to be displaying them like that. Frankly, that’s the only way I can appear different.

So, different is the mask that I wore. In my vien attempt to not to be the person, I realized, I was, long ago. But no matter how bewitching the mask is, the mask had to be taken off when the party is over. Sometimes by people, sometimes by circumstances and sometimes by your own self.

So get ready, my next post series would be written by me without the mask. It would be all about obsessing over cloths, shoes and cloths, being catty about relatives, endless and worthless socializing, mundanity of thoughts and all the shallow talks. Because, I admit. I am a shallow shallow girl, in this shallow shallow world!

Umm…I don’t mean to say that this wasn’t the case before. But…anyways.