Sometimes life sucks….

But mine sucks all the time, as you all already KNOW. Perhaps, it is not a fancy way to write a blog after so long. But I have no time for pleasantries. And well, I am not trying to show off my busy life. In fact, I am in a daze; how can someone like me with sucha simple routine can be busy!?! I mean its court, then office and finally home. I mean busy people supposed to have a fancy lifestyle. I mean its breakfast with high profile people at an upscale restaurant, work, lunch with a colleague out of your league, work, gym with bae, have dinner while watching Netflix and on weekends spend partying with your squad. THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL… B.U.S.Y.

Not this… stupid, boring routine.  Nonetheless, I am busy… very busy. In fact, I should be busy right now. I have two written statements to draft, and do extensive research on military courts. But instead, I am here… talking to the walls… I mean you all. And if you really look at it, I am actually rambling. But that’s what I do. When did I not ramble in here?

If truth to be told, I am kinda livid. Okay, not kinda, I AM livid. And I am not in a mood to write a fancy para before I divulge the reason. I will be direct and to the point. I am livid because my ^&%&%#$#(&_0#@$*^%ing career is not taking off.

I don’t understand why. OR  may be I do, but I DON’T. I have worked for two years now. AND I have not just worked; I have worked my every%^$#@$%%*&^*ingthing off. I take a cup of tea and shower in the morning and with my dripping wet hair, I fly to High Court. Not even once, okay ONCE, thanks to Expo Center Defence Exhibition, I missed a case, and I cried, in front of everyone. It only shows how much dedicated I am to my work, but also, I don’t mind adding to the list of I-would-rather-be-fat-than-to-be-this-embarrassed. Don’t even ask. Anyways, So I have never, barring one time, missed a case. I,  in fact attend cases of my colleagues and seniors when they can’t make it on time or at all. I run from court to court, carrying those monstrously heavy file in my HEELS. And believe it or not, I am kinda famous for my (when a)cat (sees a bird) walk. I am also famous for my determination, confidence and speaking skills. I don’t know how does being spoken to in a disparaging manner by learned counsels, under the pressure of clients and answering the tricky questions of your lordship credited me for all those flattering adjectives, but sometime in the midst cruel reality, I feel solace. Especially, when I skip lunch for my boss gives me dictation, as stenographers come late afternoon. And sometimes, I have to skip my beauty sleep when I have prepare for a new case. I have no weekends off, I work on Saturdays, and there are times when I have to show up to work on Sundays too. I am not going to say that I gave up my social life for work, because I never had any, nor I ever wanted. However, I may not be a fan of myself, but I like spending time with me. So I at least need a Sunday off. But anyways… I don’t think I haven’t done anything that should be done. But still. Despite I have had a few wins.

But I am where I was. And more than me, it’s my salary. If there is anything that is not where it used to be, then by far, it is my ego. This work life has completely edit it out of me. It sucks.

Recently, when my boss gave me this lecture, it sucked more, and it is not because of the lecture but something else.  I was told that I am awkward, directly. And I have temper issues. And why I have to do everything so fast? I was also told how my taya abbu, taya jaan and Guddu chacha worked so hard ( and probably walked mile, studied under street lights, I don’t remember, I was not paying attention) and nobody dished them out such high designations. I guess, this is what happens when you get a job by family connections, your boss knows your whole family, and uses them as a reference point in those lectures. I was told a lot of things, as I said I was not paying attention, so I didn’t pay attention. Now, I don’t if I heard it right, but I guess I heard him say that I have a future in this firm and I can become a partner. I wish I was paying attention. And trust me, I was all ears after that. But it was useless. I wanted my boss to repeat it just one more time that time. And he can not utter it ever again. But I guess perhaps my boss believes in words-losing-their-value-if-repeated crap policy, or may be I was just hallucinating. Why the hell I was not paying attention? I don’t know. And now it sucks. I am now trapped in hope against all hopes. And subsequently, I am having a its-the-hope-that-kills-you moment.

It’s a trap. I think God is taking revenge on me, for what I post regarding Him at different forums. Well played. When I am about to lose the last shred of hope, He sends me a Tsunami of hopes And I go back to my hopeless romantic self. And then I write a blog about it.