Sometimes life sucks….

But mine sucks all the time, as you all already KNOW. Perhaps, it is not a fancy way to write a blog after so long. But I have no time for pleasantries. And well, I am not trying to show off my busy life. In fact, I am in a daze; how can someone like me with sucha simple routine can be busy!?! I mean its court, then office and finally home. I mean busy people supposed to have a fancy lifestyle. I mean its breakfast with high profile people at an upscale restaurant, work, lunch with a colleague out of your league, work, gym with bae, have dinner while watching Netflix and on weekends spend partying with your squad. THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL… B.U.S.Y.

Not this… stupid, boring routine.  Nonetheless, I am busy… very busy. In fact, I should be busy right now. I have two written statements to draft, and do extensive research on military courts. But instead, I am here… talking to the walls… I mean you all. And if you really look at it, I am actually rambling. But that’s what I do. When did I not ramble in here?

If truth to be told, I am kinda livid. Okay, not kinda, I AM livid. And I am not in a mood to write a fancy para before I divulge the reason. I will be direct and to the point. I am livid because my ^&%&%#$#(&_0#@$*^%ing career is not taking off.

I don’t understand why. OR  may be I do, but I DON’T. I have worked for two years now. AND I have not just worked; I have worked my every%^$#@$%%*&^*ingthing off. I take a cup of tea and shower in the morning and with my dripping wet hair, I fly to High Court. Not even once, okay ONCE, thanks to Expo Center Defence Exhibition, I missed a case, and I cried, in front of everyone. It only shows how much dedicated I am to my work, but also, I don’t mind adding to the list of I-would-rather-be-fat-than-to-be-this-embarrassed. Don’t even ask. Anyways, So I have never, barring one time, missed a case. I,  in fact attend cases of my colleagues and seniors when they can’t make it on time or at all. I run from court to court, carrying those monstrously heavy file in my HEELS. And believe it or not, I am kinda famous for my (when a)cat (sees a bird) walk. I am also famous for my determination, confidence and speaking skills. I don’t know how does being spoken to in a disparaging manner by learned counsels, under the pressure of clients and answering the tricky questions of your lordship credited me for all those flattering adjectives, but sometime in the midst cruel reality, I feel solace. Especially, when I skip lunch for my boss gives me dictation, as stenographers come late afternoon. And sometimes, I have to skip my beauty sleep when I have prepare for a new case. I have no weekends off, I work on Saturdays, and there are times when I have to show up to work on Sundays too. I am not going to say that I gave up my social life for work, because I never had any, nor I ever wanted. However, I may not be a fan of myself, but I like spending time with me. So I at least need a Sunday off. But anyways… I don’t think I haven’t done anything that should be done. But still. Despite I have had a few wins.

But I am where I was. And more than me, it’s my salary. If there is anything that is not where it used to be, then by far, it is my ego. This work life has completely edit it out of me. It sucks.

Recently, when my boss gave me this lecture, it sucked more, and it is not because of the lecture but something else.  I was told that I am awkward, directly. And I have temper issues. And why I have to do everything so fast? I was also told how my taya abbu, taya jaan and Guddu chacha worked so hard ( and probably walked mile, studied under street lights, I don’t remember, I was not paying attention) and nobody dished them out such high designations. I guess, this is what happens when you get a job by family connections, your boss knows your whole family, and uses them as a reference point in those lectures. I was told a lot of things, as I said I was not paying attention, so I didn’t pay attention. Now, I don’t if I heard it right, but I guess I heard him say that I have a future in this firm and I can become a partner. I wish I was paying attention. And trust me, I was all ears after that. But it was useless. I wanted my boss to repeat it just one more time that time. And he can not utter it ever again. But I guess perhaps my boss believes in words-losing-their-value-if-repeated crap policy, or may be I was just hallucinating. Why the hell I was not paying attention? I don’t know. And now it sucks. I am now trapped in hope against all hopes. And subsequently, I am having a its-the-hope-that-kills-you moment.

It’s a trap. I think God is taking revenge on me, for what I post regarding Him at different forums. Well played. When I am about to lose the last shred of hope, He sends me a Tsunami of hopes And I go back to my hopeless romantic self. And then I write a blog about it.

” When I grow up, I will fix everything”

“The tension free childhood”, a sentence we get to hear and a sentence we say every now and then and get nostalgic. We start to dwell upon past memories and cherish every bit of it, even the scolding and spanking by our parents.

What if I tell you that’s one of the biggest scams in the history that has not been reported?

Well let me tell you, “carefree childhood”, “childhood—full of happiness”, “Ahhh—childhood” etc are all LIES. Lies. Lies. Lies.

Childhood is equally complex. Or let me rephrase; Childhood is equally FULL of complexes. And conflicts. And rivalry. And envy. And blows, let downs, vexations, failures and everything noxious. So is it that, in retrospect, makes childhood sound so desirable and the secret of its popularity with the masses.

But of course, I will divulge this too. It is the believe –“when I grow up, I will fix everything” that we have which makes childhood so beautiful.

Anyone with even iota of honesty can’t deny who-got-more-and-better Barbie Dolls/Doll houses/ Realistic toy machine guns/ Fancy cars competition, counting good-s and excellent-s you got in your Notebook, by your teachers, with your friends and secretly hoping you have more, who is wearing more fancy cloth at school annual function, whose parents managed to throw bigger birthday bash, the Ma’am I-will-sit-with-her/him-and-not-with-her/him demands, being or knowing that one kid who sit alone in breaks, feeling inferior on not getting much allowance because you are reckless and are likely to lose if given more, breaking up with a friend who takes your copy, promising that would return the very next day but gets absent and you have to deal with teacher’s wrath, getting rejected from a school competition you thought you had the potential for, relatives dunning you because that’s the easiest way to punish your parents, experiencing the strange feeling when an elderly comes up and gives a peck to the kid sitting next to you because s/he IS sooooooo pretty, listening to lectures of your overbearing parents who are always giving example of Syed Fakhruddin Ahmed Hussain Shah’s hard working and studious kids and making you feel bad about yourself throughout your childhood.

But none of it breaks us. We go through it all and survive through it all because we believe that when we grow up we will fix everything.

We will fix everything. Because when we grow up we will be rich, powerful and good looking.

We will be rich enough to buy a big, beautiful house like they show in movies, expensive gadgets, branded cloths, cool cars and everything under the sun which would make everyone green. We will be powerful enough to have connections everywhere and make our revenge fantasies, like torturing all your vicious relatives to death and that too upside down, you humiliating that selfish friend of yours, who used to come to play with your toys but wouldn’t never let you touch her/his, while taking a job interview, rejecting him/her and s/he doesn’t get a job anywhere because nobody wants to mess with you etc, come true. We will be good looking enough to be admired by others and be a part of a group as cool as F.R.I.E.N.D.S . were, will hang out and do everything together. And we will live this fine life like a boss.  But while driving our way to adulthood, we close the windows to turn on the A/C and block ventilation.

As we grow up, the reality from time to time hits us hard and leaves ugly scars which remind us that we are weak, we can’t fix anything and it’s all over. And we stopped trying. But life is not a medical aptitude test that you can’t take more than 3 attempts.

If you want your the-grown-up  you as beautiful as you childhood, then you should never stop attempting to fix, trying to fix and more so believing that you are going to fix everything… one fine day.