Namless…

Last year in November, I went to see this play, “Waiting for Godot”, at NAPA. I was sitting in the corner, so I was not getting a good view of the stage, therefore, I was not enjoying and paying attention as much as I would if I were sitting in the middle. However, the dialogue exchange between the two main characters in the play got my attention and somehow still linger on:

ESTRAGON: I’m unhappy.
VLADIMIR: Not really! Since when?
ESTRAGON: I’d forgotten.
VLADIMIR: Extraordinary the tricks that memory plays!

Extraordinary the tricks that memory plays… I know it’s deep. And I will come to that. However, what actually got my attention first was that Estragon had been unhappy for so long that he had forgotten its genesis. How tragic it is. I mean, just by knowing this about someone makes you instantly unhappy. And more so, if it’s true for you too. That just sucks.

I don’t know since how long I have been unhappy. I am trying to recall. Just I couldn’t. And such memory loss is something excruciatingly painful to live with, not just for Estragon but for me too. I think everyone of us, wait for that perfect moment, where everything starts to fall into place, and life’s is all haha hehe thereon. The happy endings of course! But guess, life is not a film, where when it ends, it literally ends. I think life has no happy ending to offer, even if you have a lived a very happy life, you will end sadly. Ends are only happy in movies, and books. And I just realize that I am being next level emo in this post, and this is getting uncomfortable.

So, anyways coming on to the last line “Extraordinary the tricks that memory plays” is so true, without exception. Memory, on the face of it, stores information, but actually it collects facts that undermine you, sometimes swiftly and most of the times slowly. It tricks you into believing that what happened may have a reason. It pushes you to draw a deluded pattern of all the sad events of your life, for a greater good. It makes you wanna live in the afterglow, which is nothing but an exaggerated version of something you wouldn’t even remember if the memory didn’t exist.

2 seconds of solace is the trick that memory plays. And we invest so much time in making it…making something which is misleading, wily and appalling. How extraordinary it is. 

Bid farewell to 2013 and its oddity.

31. December 2013

Dear 2013,

Spare me the pleasantries. I never liked you since your arrival. And now that you are departing, I can’t really say that I have developed any form of fondness for thou either. But that is not to say that I dislike you.  I am rather skeptic about you, since the start. Yes, that is kinda odd for an extremist like me, who can either love or hate. But that’s what you were out and out, throughout, and not just in a numerical way, but in every possible way, I can imagine, odd.

2. And I had an idea about that, when I stepped into you. And that is the reason why unlike every year, when I map out my life for the next year, I didn’t bother this year. Odd, I know, but so are you. Or were you?

3. Dear or well not so dear 2013, in all fairness you had your moments that had an impact on me; they were good, but not great. You brought some good stuff in my life, but they were minor. You gave a direction, but did not tell me the destination.

4. I am lost. And that’s odd, just like your name and yourself, 2013. You had things and stuff that I would tag along all my life. But where, I don’t know. A lot of things happened, that were good but not in a goodie good way, but in a very outlandish way. Some of them happened too late to leave its mark on you. And the rest of them are still in the pipeline to make it up on your behalf. I had never expected them, and now I don’t understand the reason behind them.

5. Like, me adopting theater going habits. I thought books and movies were enough to please my sensory organ, but only GAWD and theater goers can understand how pleasurable it is, when you see a play is being performed on the stage, right in front of you. I fell in love with theater at first sight. It should have made me happy, but I was rather lamenting the fact that why-so-late? I knew I loved theater, before I saw it. I was told that it was pretty much expected of me, considering the way I am. I didn’t get what that meant, but then I didn’t get how the randomly I take up a new hobby, just like that. Now, I should feel good about myself because theater is all about being intellectual. However, I have to honest, I don’t and I can’t, because the reason why I love theater so much is the fact that it is so accidental.

6. Speaking of accidental events, I guess, getting a raise without even asking for it; would rank first in your realm 2013. It happened when my ego was not only shattered but also had completely wiped out. And trust me! I am not just saying it to provide any sort of comic relief. My existence at my workplace was (is?) as nominal was the mighty ego in me. I expected to get fired any minute. And no one would give two hoots about it here. I won’t speak, and nor will I be spoken too. I was being paid peanuts, and looked upon with pitiful eyes for it. And then, one day, one VERY VERY bad day, I got a raise. And I thought I got recognition. I can’t really say I was happy about the raise. I can’t be. Because it STILL is peanuts, peanuts enough that I don’t have to ask for pocket money, but still peanuts. 

7. Peanuts and winters go hand in hand. And so does my existence in here.

8. I don’t know why I am still here. Umm, actually I do. It’s one of the top firms in Pakistan. However, I still don’t know WHY I am here. May be… I do. I recently got a raise. Okay, I don’t know why I am here all along while you were here too, 2013. Never before, I worked anywhere more than 3 weeks. Never ever I expected myself to work under someone who would only speak to me four words 500 times a day; “Relax Abida beta relax”. Never in my life, I thought I would work with a bunch of people who call me robot. No one around me and those who KNOW me expected me to work at one place for a whole year.  My mum never expected me to work at all. I never thought I would work at a place where I was a never-was. But I did. Despite everything and everyone, I complete a year here. First time in my life, I actually worked for a whole year. THAT’S GOTTA BE ODD.

9. Oddity was prevalent all over you 2013… may be because of your name.

10. Very oddly, I made a few friends this year, after a long long time . And not really oddly but very usually I broke up with them. And I don’t understand the reason. Umm… if anything, it only regain my belief that perhaps, people were still attracted to me and saw me worth being friends with.

11. I don’t know what to feel, happy or sad. Things happened…. I learned a lot except parking, I adopted a new hobby, I completed a year at my work place, I got my first pay, I got a raise … well yea that too first time in my life, I met a LOT of people this year, I faced a lot of tough times I never imagined I would, but came out even stronger, I drove a lot but didn’t learn parking, and the first kid of the next generation of bokhari-s arrived too this year and I felt a lil old. Things happened… in a way… that I don’t know to feel happy or sad about them. 2013, you felt me perplexed. There was handful of things that I tried in every possible way to get, and I was about to, but waiter turned to the next table. I had almost got them, and yet I didn’t. I should be sad, but then if those things had worked out, the rest of them weren’t possible. So, I don’t know whether lament the fact that they didn’t work out, but should cherish the ones I got right. You know the phrase gawd must have better plans for thou  Errr? I KNOW… even I want what I want, keep the better ones for better times. But what about between what you want in exchange for that what you REALLY REALLY want?

12. Damn. I just read the last 3 lines of the para above, and it sounds like I am stoned. Okay, what I’m trynna say izz dat…. What I wanted could wait, I realized, and what I really REALLY wanted couldn’t…so I guess 2013, you realized the gravity of the situation and gave me what I really really wanted. Kthnx for that. But why? Why? Why? So ambiguously? For a drama queen like me, good things has to happen very dramatically. And not with just stillness.

13. It’s like you were a warm up year… preparing for the next. It’s kinda odd. I mean you didn’t care about your significance, despite having a lot of significant events stored in. I guess, you should have cared about your relevance. You know they say, that name has impact on your personality? I guess that holds true for thou. You were filled with oddity. And that’s all I can say about you.

14. Regards.

Sincerely,

Don’t know what to feel… happy or sad.

WHO GIVES A FLYING $#&$&*^*&(_*_()*(_*^^$$%#$@#

I missed a case today. I don’t know who to blame, myself or this @!%&^*(&)*(&*%%^##$@ing month October.

It’s going to be a year next month that I have worked here. Never did I miss a case, along with my weirdness, I have known for my punctuality. In fact, I am known for coming before time, or I should rather say, being made fun of because of it. But today, well.

Right now, I feel like keeping my middle class values aside and cuss my heart out. Cuss, cuss and then cuss some more. Then I would look around if someone was listening. But I can’t do it. I am intrinsically motivated. Whatever that means!

This month has been awful. This month has always been that way. Since schooling. I remember taking as many offs as I can… OMG, I JUST SAW THIS CLIENT, I MEAN I SEE MANY CLIENTS BUT HE IS THE FATTEST BY FAR… OMG. Did October hit him with 7.8 richter or what. Fat client, fat fees? Anyways…

So, I was saying, October… you are a bad@!@$%%&^&*(&(*)(*( and I am lawyer with middle class values.

You know what, may be October, this year wasn’t as bad. I mean, it was October when I was first introduced to the world of theaters, and trust me, it looks like that there was a missing piece in me, that I never realized, until I found it and that fit perfectly.  

Having said that, October you still suck. Especially, of this year’s. I have made to realize things, I never envision. It’s like I have been a topic for discussion not only for conceptual reasons or also procedural, by friends, family, colleagues and well, stalkers. Why the #@$^$&^%*&(*&)_*( this office boy is not bringing my food, I am not that hungry but biryani might save me from writing and save you all from reading this hapless blogpost. Or would it?

So let’s see, my friends think I am too aloof, and haven’t done a lot of things that a girl should have by this age. My family thinks that I am a stuck up and not interested in household chores, therefore, I can never get married. My colleagues think that I am pretty distant, and somewhat like a Robot (I am still trying to understand the context) and I don’t even want to know what my boss thinks of me, especially after today. My stalkers think that I am egoistic and I don’t have a life.

I don’t know how much of its true. I am not going to refute any of that. You are what people think of you, at least publicly. May be I am some of it, or all of it. But does it mean that I should be made feel bad about it all the time? Do I deserve this? Is my <3 just a blood circulatory organ? And nothing more than that?

I don’t get this. I never take offense if my family, friends, colleagues and everyone around me, make fun of my looks, my personality or anything that belong to me. I approve all hatred comments with open heart. I don’t do backdoor politics. I don’t harm anyone.  I give my 100% in every relationship and in everything I did. Not for a split second I have insincere with anyone around me or with my work. I have been fair with my work. I never broke up with anyone for any selfish reasons, the reason mainly if not only, has always been that well, I got bored of them.

But while I am with them, I have provided a complete entertainment, wittingly and unwittingly, by speaking, listening and just by being myself.

Whoever I have met, or come across, I try to make them laugh. At least once. By cracking jokes, throwing witty liners, being stupid or trust me, there are times, by doing nothing, just sitting silently, like a robot. I have made everyone who know/see/hear/read/live with me laugh.

And this is what I get in return? Being called a social outcast, impliedly and expressly, gladly by everyone around me? Great.

NEW POLICY, I will ONLY be friends with people who think and say good things about me. Only talk to people at my workplace who like me, and ignore the rest of them, INCLUDING MY BOSS. I will only make peace with family on a condition of being constantly praised. AND NEW BLOG POLICY, ONLY COMMENTS WITH COMPLIMENTS ARE GOING TO BE APPROVED.

Is it my fault if I don’t get bored alone? Thanks to my hobbies. Is it my fault that I am not afraid of alone? Is it… whatever, I GOT MY BIRYANI.

!@#$%&**(&*^*&$# YOU ALL.